Who Is Your Tribe?

Let me start this post by saying I have never been more present to the importance of having a tribe and a community of support in my life as I have this past week.

It has been a doozie and yet, I am so grateful for every moment and every lesson.

That said, without the incredible tribe of people I have in my life, I am not sure I would have made it through with as much grace and grit as I have.

As human beings, we are hard-wired for connection.  We cannot do this little dance called life alone.

We are built for not only connection but a community.  We thrive when we have a solid and unwavering support system that we know we can turn to and lean upon unconditionally.

One of the most important and foundational aspects of resilience is one’s ability to not only connect with and rely on their community but also one’s willingness to give back and contribute to said community.

This week I have called on every single one of my tribe. Whether it has been for emotional support, legal guidance, collaboration, or just to simply have lunch and laugh.

I called upon my Ohana (the Hawaiian word for family) and they stepped up like an army of light ready to hold me in grace and love.

In turn, I have also given back to them. Most recently I had a client that needed a referral for her son and I connected her with the just the right person.  That and I created a forum for people to connect in community and support one another.

I used to think I had to go it alone.  I had misconceptions that it was somehow heroic to be a lone wolf.  From me to you, that is utter bullshit.

It is far more brave to be vulnerable to know when you need help and even more courageous to actually reach out and ask for it.

We are meant to do this thing together. So, I ask you dear one, who is your tribe? Have you reached out to them lately to connect?  Could you use their support? And finally, how have you been giving back to them?

You are not alone. You do not have to go it alone. We are all here for you.

From my grateful heart from our collective grateful heart to yours,

With Aloha,

PK

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Have you ever heard the saying that when difficult times happen, when you are nervous, when you are experiencing pain etc. you should lean in?

I used to hear that and it would just piss me off!  The last freaking thing I wanted was to accept and lean in.

And honestly, we are not trained this way as a culture.  Most people when shit hits the fan have their coping mechanism and it usually consists of some way to numb.  Whether that is food, alcohol, sex, work, or just binge-watching Netflix (although there is definitely a time and place for that!). Even when we just have a headache, we more often than not take a couple pills to make it go away. So, of course, our reaction is even more extreme when are experiencing depression, nerves or just going through a normal grieving/healing process.

I get it.  As human beings, we are hardwired to seek pleasure and avoid pain.  It makes sense because it has been a way for our species to survive.

Thousands of years ago, if you were in pain, chances were it was something that was going to potentially threaten your life.  Even something as beautiful and natural as childbirth was potentially dangerous because we didn’t have the technological and advances in medical science that we do today.

The problem with wanting to avoid, run from, or numb things that are unpleasant however is we fail to get the message.

If you think about it, when your body is pain, it is trying to communicate something to you.  I recently injured my shoulder and tried to push through it only to make things worse. What my body was attempting to tell me was that I was doing too much and that I needed a few days of recovery time.

When we experience emotional discomfort it is because there is something our unconscious mind wants us to pay attention to.  Either we need a course correction or, there is baggage that is begging to be released.

So, though I can appreciate that we are designed as a human race to avoid pain and seek pleasure, it is worth taking a moment to get curious and consider what on earth the lesson (Ano’ ai) or message might be before running to seek a remedy.

There is, of course, a time to get medical attention and address things with medication and even then, there is an opportunity to seek the wisdom of your body’s communication.

So dear one, as much as it used to piss me off when I would hear it (there is even a book with the title) you really do want to “lean in.”  From a Buddhist perspective, it is about saying yes with the attitude of curiosity and a desire to seek an answer.

So, inquire and trust that all the pain, heartache, grief, and/or illness isn’t happening to you but rather it is happening for you.  

Perhaps you will one day even look back at what is going down today and be grateful for all of it.

Nobody is saying it is easy but trust me when I say that what you have to gain on the other side is always worth it.

From my accepting heart to yours…
With Aloha,
PK

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It Has to Start With You

A few weeks ago I wrote an article about falling in love.  Not just falling in love in the typical way we think, but being in a state love as much as we can.  Loving everything that we do in day-to-day life.

I got to thinking about this and realized that I may have left out a really crucial piece of this puzzle, which is that it actually has to start with you.

I used to hear all the time about how important it is to love yourself and though I agreed, I didn’t really know what that meant.

I spent a large portion of my life trying to earn people’s love.  Whether it was from friends, or my intimate relationships, I was in this skewed mindset that I had to somehow do things to be worthy of people’s love and respect.

I also had some voice in the background that believed that I could only ever feel love if it came from another a source outside of myself.  

When relationships ended, I lost myself and often felt like I was floundering to figure out how to fill that perceived void.

It wasn’t until December of this past year that I really started to understand what it meant to love myself and what that entailed.

You see, in December I finally started to feel for the first time like my heart had healed from my dad’s passing.  Something I don’t share with many people is that when my dad died, I also lost a relationship with someone who had been in my life and who I believed was my soulmate for 18 years.

On the heels of my dad dying, this man promptly disappeared as well.  In the end, I am grateful that I learned what he was made of when I did but it didn’t change the heartbreak at the moment.  

These 2 incredibly important men in my life had suddenly disappeared almost at the same time.

Talk about a rude awakening.  I was suddenly face-to-face with the fact that I had no sense of how to find that love, and acceptance, that sense of OK-ness inside of myself.  

I realized that my whole life, I had repeated the same pattern with partner after partner and it had to stop now if I would call in the man I had asked the universe for. I had to be 100% congruent, pono, and in love with me. I wasn’t willing to look to someone or something else to fill any voids anymore.  That is my job and when I do meet him, I want it to be because I am whole, healed, complete, and totally happy with just me. And to be with him will be just a wonderful way to kick life up a notch for us both.

It took me 9 months.  I guess it was a gestation period of sorts until the new me could be born.  But then there she was. And interestingly enough the awakening came right around the time of my birthday.  I realized it was time to learn how to fall in love with myself. That if I was going to be truly happy, not just in a relationship but in my life overall, I had to reignite the flame inside.  The passion and love for myself.

So, I made a decision to invite 7 of my dearest friends and Huna sisters to join me in a ceremony where I essentially chose to marry myself.  

I wrote vows to myself and asked the ladies to also share with me the wisdom they had cultivated about themselves that they wished to bestow upon me.  I was gifted a ring by one of my students and decided I would use that as my wedding ring. I had each of the ladies put a blessing/positive energy into the ring.

I said goodbye to my dad and vowed that I would love myself the way he loved me.  That I would treat myself the way I would want my partner to treat me.

I began to up the game on my self-care practices and I started to take myself out on dates!  I went to shows, movies, took myself out to dinner, and even bought myself beautiful lingerie.  It was so so much fun.

It was the best thing I have ever done for myself and every day I return to those vows and recommit to loving me first, best, and above all else.

From this space, I have been able to become the woman I am meant to be.  The woman my father saw when he looked at me. It made me a better friend, a better teacher, a better coach, a better human being all around.  

I walk around feeling grateful and truly loving life.  Even when I have a shit day (and that certainly happens) I can pause and find the silver lining, because there always is one.

So, dear one, when I say fall in love, it has to start with you before it can translate to anyone or anything else.

Whether you do a full-fledged ceremony like I did or simply quietly make a vow to yourself, I invite you to commit to you.  Bright, beautiful, magnificent you before all else.

From my loving heart to yours…unconditionally,
PK

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It Is Time To Move

Now, certainly, it is important to move your body in loving and empowered ways (just peek at my Instagram video from the #middaybootychallenge).

What I am talking about is taking action!

I love the law of attraction and something that was left out of the movie The Secret was the importance of taking action.  Thinking positive thoughts and acting as though you already have your goal is fine and good but if you don’t actually get up off your booty and do something, they are nothing more than happy thoughts.

In our world of NLP we talk about the 4 requisites for change and empowerment.  

They are:

1. Release baggage (negative emotions and limiting beliefs)
2. Create a compelling future (set a goal…a big one)
3. GET INTO ACTION
4. Maintain your focus on that goal and course correct as needed

Notice number 3.  An action is the key to results and most people tend to do these things in an order that doesn’t really serve them.  Many times they take action before letting go of their baggage and if you have ever done something while inside a negative emotion you know, it doesn’t go well.

The other thing people sometimes do is to set a goal but then never actually do anything about it.

You gotta get moving friends.  The thing to do is at least one power step every day toward that thing that is making your heart sing.

Think about it.  If you did just one thing every day for 365 days, that is a lot of freaking action.

Whether it is to research a healthy diet plan for you, to look into a retreat, to create a business plan, or to go on that first date, you’ve got to take a step…and not just one, but one EVERY DAY.

So, dear one, what are your goals, and what are you doing EVERY day to get there? Post what you are willing to do today here and let’s inspire each other to get moving!

From my loving active heart to yours…

With Aloha,
PK

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Stay In Your Power

**This a longer post friends and I couldn’t do it in fewer words…**

It is a concept that we hear about lately, this staying in your personal power.  Great in theory but how do you put it into practice.

It is so easy to give one’s power away.  You may not realize it but anytime you allow someone else to affect your state of being, you are giving them your power.  You are effectively saying to them, “I give you permission to have power over me.”

The other part of this is to put up and maintain your boundaries and to do so with love, from your heart, with Aloha.  

There is a concept we teach in our NLP training called the 4 Themes of NLP.  OOneof those themes is Cause and Effect.  The theme states that to be truly in your power, or empowered, you must be at cause for EVERYTHING in your life.  This doesn’t mean blame and fault, but rather a willingness to acknowledge and accept that you get to choose how you respond to the people and circumstances around you.  The other thing we teach is the Presuppositions of NLP is that you are in charge of your mind and therefore your results.  So if things are not going the way you want in your life, if people are not treating you as you would like to be treated, it is up to YOU to shift that.

The question to ask is what is going on inside of me that life is showing up this way? And if there is nothing, then ask yourself how you wish to respond.  You can respond with charge, and negative emotions, pointing fingers and blaming or you can choose to take on a perspective that allows you to feel in your strength and come from a place of love.

People are doing the best they can with the resources they have available to them (another Presupposition of NLP) and people are not their behaviors.

With all of this in mind, you can choose love EVERY time.  You really can.

I don’t claim to be perfect or that I practice this at all times.  I have my human moments too and the more I practice what I teach, the easier it becomes to just be in this mindset and state of being.  

When it comes to boundaries, you gotta determine what your boundaries are first and foremost.  What is ok and what is not ok with you? Most people don’t know what their boundaries are until someone has run over them.  Let me tell you that is not the time to tell someone what your boundaries are.

Especially if you are in a relationship, ANY relationship, whether it is with your boss, your family, your spouse, or your friends, the people in your life deserve to know your boundaries.  It is literally telling them, here is how you win with me.

This was something I learned from my teacher/mentor and boss, Dr. Matt James.  It was funny how I would get grumpy with the people in my life for doing certain things, when I was the one who hadn’t told them it was a “no-go” for me.  So, how could they know?

Once you know and express your boundaries, then it is about maintaining them, and all of this with Aloha from your heart.  There is no need to go in with anger or intensity because when you do, your requests are met with the same intensity and usually with resistance.

I will share an example from life recently where I chose to set a boundary with love and was so glad that I did.

For the last 2 years, I have been sharing custody of my dog with my ex-boyfriend.  It was working out for both of us for a while because I travel a lot and he also loves my dog so it seemed like a win/win.  

But every now and again I would notice that our interactions,  our conversations, and even our interactions during pick up and drop off would leave me feeling shitty. Sometimes my ex would be coming from a work situation and bring a bunch residual negative energy from that with him.  Other times, he would just have strong emotions about our arrangement and would express them to me with some intensity. Bottom line, I didn’t like it.

I let it go on for a while and then finally about three weeks ago decided enough was enough.  Now, I made sure that I was in a nice calm, centered and balanced place before we talked, and I finally just expressed my boundary to him.  I shared with him that our arrangement was no longer going to work for me and that moving forward he was welcome to visit with Jack but that we wouldn’t be sharing him anymore.  When he asked me why, I told him. I simply stated that I am pretty protective of my energy and that our exchanges were not leaving me feeling great. I took responsibility for the fact that I chose to allow them to affect me and that I was now going to take action to make sure that they wouldn’t anymore.

It wasn’t an easy conversation but it had to be done.  I am in charge of my mind, my life, and my energy so it is up to me to make sure I allow in what I want and lovingly keep out what doesn’t serve me.

So, how can you step into and be in your power dear one? Where can you take more responsibility and where can you set, express, and maintain your boundaries more with love?

Feel free to share and I look forward to connecting with you!

From my loving powerful heart to yours…
With Aloha,

PK

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Fall in Love

I recently watched a video with Bruce Lipton where he talked about the importance of falling in love.

What I loved about it (pun very much intended) was that it wasn’t so much about the importance of falling in love with another person (which can be good too), but rather, just being in a state of LOVE.  No matter what you are doing, to fall in love with that.

Fall in love with your job, your meditation practice, with working out, with doing the dishes, whatever has your attention at that moment.

The other aspect of the video was that when you are in a state of love, your conscious mind stays in the present moment and is focused on that which you desire the most.

We talk at length in our NLP trainings about the importance of the Unconscious Mind and the Conscious Mind.  It is the captain of the ship. It is the one telling the crew where to go. So with that in mind, if you fall in love with your dreams and aspirations and live in a state of being in love, your conscious mind is focused on that which you desire the most and the 126 bits of information that you allow to come into your perception will be the very things that you need to achieve your outcomes.

Let me back up.  We have 2 million bits of information bombarding our nervous system at any given moment but we can actually consciously pick up about 126 bits.  It doesn’t matter whether you are an enlightened being of Joe Schmo, that is just how we work as human beings. This comes from the book FLOW by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. So, the idea is not to increase how much you take in, but rather to get choosy about what you pick up on.  

So, if you are in a state of love and focused on what makes your heart sing and you are in that state consciously, your reticular activation system kicks in and you begin to see, hear, and experience the 126 bits that correlate to your desires.

This isn’t just NLP.  Many of the wisdom traditions and schools of personal growth emphasize the importance of being in a space of love because it is a high vibration frequency and has a magnetic quality. And from A Course in Miracles, the only real emotion is love everything other than love is just an illusion.

So, with that said dear one, how can you shift into love?  Think of it this way. Anything that makes you feel alive, expansive, and just plain good is love! So do more of that.  Anything that makes you feel tight, constricted, and yucky is the absence of love.  Do less of that. Pretty simple.  Follow the yum!

Let’s fall in LOVE together!

From my loving expansive heart to yours…
With Aloha,
PK

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Let Go of Attachment

Total transparency? This one is a doozy for me.  I have been a control freak most of my life. In my defense, I am a Capricorn and kinda wired that way.  I never use things like astrology as an excuse, however, so I have had to learn to overcome my desire to manage everything when it comes to outcomes.

One of the things we talk about in our NLP trainings is that once you have set a goal or have an outcome in mind, you must let go of your attachment to it.  That is not to say that you sit back and do nothing, you get into action right away.

It is more about letting go of your attachment to the exact form and manifestation of the outcome.  As a type A self-identified “doer” I have, at times, wanted to micromanage every aspect of a how a goal manifests and what I have found is that the universe, and the powers that be do a way better job of handling the “how” than I ever could.

Most of the time, when you do let go of your death grip on the how and allow things to unfold with ease and flow, the how is 10 times better and easier than anything you could have imagined or tried to manufacture.

I am not saying it is an easy thing to do, but it is necessary for living a whole-hearted, resilient, and empowered life.

We have to trust.  We have to have faith that if we have followed the 4 requisites for change, let go of our baggage, set a goal, gotten into action, and are maintaining our focus, that the “how” will be revealed to us. And if we try to force, or muscle our way through it, we will often miss an opportunities to manifest the goal faster and more efficiently because we were too busy trying to control the outcome.

So, how do you do this? Be in action and remain open and flexible. Remember that one of the presuppositions of NLP (the mindset of successful people) the Law of Requisite Variety which states that the person with the most flexibility will be the most successful and in charge.  So, at some point you do simply need to let go, trust, and “let God” as they say.

Do the work, and keep your eyes, and ears open for other ways and means of getting there. Open your mind and your heart to every possibility.  Keep your focus on your desired result while staying in Hakalau (expanded peripheral vision) and you will be astounded at what shows up for you.

So dear one, from one control freak to another, I invite you to try this on.  I can tell you from experience, it is WAY more fun!

From my loving and surrendering heart to yours…

With Aloha,
PK

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Allow Yourself To Receive

I sat down recently to meditate on this concept.  It is interesting that as driven type A individuals we tend to be a great deal better at doing and giving than we are at being and receiving.

I think there is a misconception about the concept of allowing oneself to receive. I believe our culture has misconstrued this to be selfish. We admire those who give selflessly and we don’t want to be perceived as “takers”. But the truth is that to allow yourself to receive is a form of giving.  

When you don’t take a compliment you rob the person paying you that compliment of the opportunity to feel good.

When you don’t graciously accept a gift, you rob the giver of the positive feeling of giving.  

When you don’t say yes to someone lending you a hand, you prevent them from being generous.

You essentially take that away from them.

The other part of this has to do with our ability to embrace our worthiness. If somewhere in our programming we truly don’t believe that we deserve to be happy, to be loved, to be nurtured, or to experience pleasure then we won’t allow for any of those things to come into our lives.  No matter how much we say we want those things, our programming simply won’t allow it.

It is not an easy shift to make to change the frame for oneself about receiving, but it is a crucial part of having a resilient and truly wholehearted existence.  

Life is meant to be a harmony.  Given that everything exists in dichotomies, we must allow for both sides of any coin to exist.  Which means to give fully we must also receive openly.

For a long time, I didn’t create the space to receive.  I didn’t know how to accept a compliment graciously. I didn’t know how to allow people to help me when I needed it.  I didn’t know how to be nurtured and cared for because I was convinced I had to do all of that for myself.

I am a big believer in being self-reliant, self-sufficient, and independent, and I am learning that to receive is not mutually exclusive to any of those attributes.

So, dear one, I ask you this.  How will you receive this week?  What are you willing to allow into your experience? Leave your comment below and let’s fill our wells together.

From my loving heart to yours…

With Aloha,

PK

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Aho Nui. Patient Perseverance

If you have been looking at my posts on Instagram and/or Facebook lately you know that over the past 2 weeks I was on the Big Island of Hawaii attending at teaching at our Huna workshop.

There are people from all walks of life, religions and spiritual backgrounds that attend because Huna is not a religion. It can be a spiritual path for some and it can also help to enhance one’s own individual path if it isn’t Huna. That is what I love about it. It is entirely inclusive and flexible enough to take in and embrace any and everyone that is called to it.

A large part of the path is learning the true meaning of the word Aloha. For most people, they attribute that word to being a greeting or a farewell in Hawaii. It can most certainly be that and there is so much more to the word than that. Much like the word Namaste in India.

A part of the meaning of the word Aloha is Aho Nui or patient perseverance. Every time I come to Huna I walk away with a bunch of life lessons and one always stands out more than the rest.

This time the lesson for me started from the moment I landed on the island. It has been that of Aho Nui. Now, I must give you some background. If you know me, you know that I pretty much do everything in an accelerated fashion. From trainings, to the speed at which I process and speak, to how I drive. But the most profound example is really how I entered this world. I was ready to be here and I wasn’t wasting any time.

From the time my mom went into labor to the time I popped out was about 30 minutes. In fact her delivery was so fast, that her uterus was still contracting after I came out. It was like her body didn’t realize I had made my way out.

From that moment on, it has been like that in my life. Always in “Go” mode. Always moving fast. I mean there is a reason why New York City used to be my favorite place on the planet (I must admit the Big Island has bumped NYC to the number 2 spot). I like to MOVE FAST!

But my lesson here has been to slow down. Whether behind the wheel of my car (yes I have a few speeding tickets) or progressing down a spiritual path of learning and teaching this body of work.

I remember when I was at my level 1 of Huna. I just wanted to learn everything right there and then. I thought, “seriously, I have to wait until level 4 to know some of this stuff?” But the truth is that a spiritual path (well any path really) isn’t about your destination or getting there already. It is about the lessons you learn along the way. The incredible feedback of falling down face first on the path and what it takes to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again.

I am no stranger to resilience and the lesson I got at this Huna is that sometimes you just have to wait. Calmly, patiently, even uncomfortably, wait. The answer always and inevitably comes and usually when you least expect it. The healing always comes. And it usually sneaks up on you. You just wake up one day and realize that the hurt, the sadness, the grief has finally passed. You wake up one day and your body has healed or all the work you have been doing to be healthy and fit is now just your new normal. You wake up one day and the career of your dreams has manifested. You wake up one day and the relationship you have dreamed of your whole life is suddenly a reality.

So dear one. May you find the peace, the grace, and the patient perseverance to get up and keep going.

From my loving heart to yours…
With Aloha,
Pegah

 

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Know Who You Are

Dr. John Ryan often starts off our NLP training talking about the two big problems we tend to face as human beings.

1. Finding our purpose

2. Fulfilling that purpose.

From a Huna perspective that is also true and inside the pillars of resilience I created about 4 years ago, that theme also runs true.  In fact, if you look at any of the ancient wisdom traditions they tend to emphasize the importance of knowing who you are or uncovering your dharma as a key aspect of moving down a path toward enlightenment.

In our western culture, we tend to get it kind of out of order. When we are in college we think, what should I do? We tend to pick a path based on what our parents or society tells us is “responsible” because ultimately it is about being able to support ourselves and make money.  We go after having things.

Get the degree, the job, the house, the money, the cars, the spouse etc.

There is nothing wrong with having things at all. It is just that often from that approach, we are left feeling a little empty and asking ourselves why we aren’t fulfilled or happy even though we have “everything.”

We feel guilty and think, there has to be more to life than this.  I should be doing something else. Then maybe we change jobs, careers, spouses, locations, any number of things to figure out what may be lacking.

The truth is that nothing is lacking.  We have simple either lost our way and our sense of identity or we just didn’t have that to begin with.

I struggled with this for what seemed to be like forever.  I thought I was following my passion in becoming a performer rather than the doctor my family wanted me to be but then when my life got turned upside down after my divorce I realized that my identity had been wrapped up in what I was doing for a living and in being a wife.

So, without those things, who was I?

The same thing happened when my father passed away.  Despite the fact that I was finally doing what I loved in a field that truly does feel like my calling, when he passed away, my identity came into question because I didn’t realize just how much of who I identified with was wrapped up in him.

It was his passing that put me on the path of really getting a sense of who I am.  I am not my what I do for a living or even who I am to the people in my life. Who I am runs a great deal deeper than that and it is a great deal bigger than that.

When I got clear on that, everything I was doing started to flow with so much more ease. I could simply be me on stage when I teach. I could be me with my clients. I could be me in my interactions with my friends and family.

No apologies, no shame, and nothing that is wrapped up in anyone or anything else but me.

When you know who you are.  I mean really know who you are everything else makes sense and you not only get clear on what it is you really want to do, but you also get the value of nurturing yourself.  You realize that you are not just a physical body. You have an emotional body that needs care, a mental body that needs stimulation, and a spiritually body that has been waiting for you to connect.

When you are in the space of your beingness, all that you desire and deserve flows to you with little effort.

This doesn’t mean you sit back and do nothing. It means what you do feels right.  It feels like home. It feels like you are pono or totally congruent in your own skin.

It is an ever evolving process and it takes a lot of inner exploration but man is it worth it when you start to see and stand in your own light.

And remember that “no matter who you think you are, you are so much more than that” -Matthew B James.

So, who are you really? It starts with a question and a willingness to start hearing the answer because the only place it comes from is your own heart.

It is a quiet whisper so listen well.

From my loving heart to yours.

With Aloha,

Pegah

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