I recently returned from leading a yoga retreat in Greece with 22 incredible people. There was a mixed group with both married and single folks on the trip. Some were young and experiencing their first love. Some were in the midst of a divorce, some happily married or in relationships and some hoping to find that special someone.
The question I got a lot from the single folks seeking a relationship or those in the midst of a breakup was some variation of the following: “I seem to keep getting in the same relationship with a different person over and over again. What can I do to change this?
I love this questions because first of all, it demonstrates a level of awareness that a lot of people do not have. To realize that you are repeating a pattern is the first step to interrupting it and creating a new behavior.
There are a few different factors to consider when something like this keeps happening. Whenever we repeat any behavior pattern, whether it be in the context of a relationship or another area of life, it is important to look at what is causing that behavior.
Big picture, what we have to do is examine the deeper level programming that is creating this.
As with any scenario, it is difficult to give a “cookie cutter” answer because for every individual the root cause of what is causing them to derail is different. There are however a few things that could be contributing to a person repeating a pattern of behavior like continuing to attract and engage in the same relationship only with a different person over and over again.
As human beings we not only come into this world with certain programming, we also acquire quite a bit well before we have enough awareness to know any better. In fact, 95% of who we are going to become is pretty much installed by the time we are anywhere from age 2-5.
Some people hear this and think, “oh no! I am totally screwed.” Actually, the good news is that once we uncover the programming we have a lot of different ways to address and get rid of the bugs in the programming, otherwise referred to as baggage.
When I see this kind of thing with clients and students, usually it comes down to one of three or all of the following things.
1. There is a limiting belief about the individual that has them continuing to make choices that are less than ideal for them when it comes to their partner. Usually, they have also generalized a belief about men/women as well.
2. There are negative emotions in the area of relationship and usually about worthiness.
3. They have a parts conflict that is causing them to self-sabotage even when they are in a good relationship because they have opposing parts that are getting activated whenever they are happy.
When doing a breakthrough session, I find that all three of these things are usually contributing to what is going on.
The other thing to consider is really from a spiritual perspective which is that, if we keep repeating a cycle over and over again, it is likely that there is a lesson there that we haven’t learned yet. Until we actually get the learning, we may keep doing the same behavior until we get clear on what it is we are meant to gain from that scenario.
I can tell you from personal experience, that was me. It wasn’t so much that I kept dating the same guy with a different name, but I kept recreating a particular scenario which resulted in a particular behavior that would cause the relationship to unravel.
I had to really take a step back, look at the big picture, and see what the pattern was before I could break free from it.
So, if you find yourself recreating the same situation in relationships, career, or even your health, the best thing to do is ask yourself, what is the lesson here? When you get the lesson, the baggage can release.
Once you have cleared out the baggage, then get really clear about what it is you DO want in a relationship. Get specific and create a compelling vision of the relationship you want and deserve. Set the intention to meet that person and be in an amazing relationship and then get into action!
Remember that the 4 requisites for change are
1. Release negative emotions
2. Create a compelling future (set a goal)
3. Take Action
4. Maintain your focus (which includes setting and maintaining your boundaries as well.)
And then start reinforcing the positive behaviors that you do want to cultivate by practicing. Remember that a behavior needs repetition to really stick.
So dear one here is to uncovering the source of your repeated patterns so you can create all that you truly deserve.
From my loving heart to yours…